Fail.

I haven’t posted for awhile. This post is technically my 50th post and I wanted to do something special for it. However, I tend to write my blogs on the fly, and so planning apparently only makes me stagnate. Actually, I seem to have a problem with stagnation in almost all areas of my life. A lot of times I feel like I’m on autopilot. I never get done what I intend to do, and I often feel like I’m just enduring each day, waiting for it to be over. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even really alive.

I have been listening to the Cure a lot lately, because, well, I love the Cure. Also, one of my friends just burned me a copy of Galore because my Cure collection was lost.  Robert Smith is just one of those songwriters that I think is in my head. One of my favorite songs by the Cure is “Close to Me,” and I recently read this quote from Robert Smith on what this song is about:

“It’s like the end of the day where you feel nothing has been achieved and you’re in a hurry to get the day over with so you can start the next one. You tell yourself you’re going to do lots of positive things. But the next day is just like the one before. Sometimes it goes on for weeks.”

So, thank you loyal readers for your patience, and without further ado, my theme song:

I’ve waited hours for this
I’ve made myself so sick
I wish I’d stayed asleep today
I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
This close to me

Just try to see in the dark
Just try to make it work
To feel the fear before you’re here
I make the shapes come much too close
I pull my eyes out
Hold my breath
And wait until I shake . . .

But if I had your faith
Then I could make it safe and clean
If only I was sure
That my head on the door was a dream

I’ve waited hours for this
I’ve made myself so sick
I wish I’d stayed asleep today
I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
This close to me

But if I had your face
I could make it safe and clean
If only I was sure
That my head on the door
Was a dream

You got a greeting, it starts with an ‘H,’ how’s 20 bucks sound?

The title of this blog is taken from an episode of Seinfeld[1] wherein Kramer goes into Home Federal Savings Bank, who have a policy that if you aren’t greeted “Hello,” they’ll give you $100.

Kramer argues that “Hey” is not the same as “Hello.”

Anyway, he gets 20 bucks out of the deal.

I commonly greet people with a “How’s it going?” or “How are you doing?”

I shouldn’t do this.

Because, I can’t legitimately give answers these questions without sounding like an asshole.

Generally when people use these greetings, they don’t really care about the answer to the question. They aren’t really asking how I’m doing. They are just saying “Hello.” It’s a greeting, it starts with an “H.”

When I hear a question, I can’t help but try to answer it. I’m also honest to a fault.

The common response to “How’s it going?’ is something along the lines of “Fine, thanks. How are you?”  But, that’s not my automatic response. I can’t do it. It’s a lie. When I try, I come across as sounding phony.

So, I’ve started shrugging and saying “meh” or when I’m feeling particularly cheerful, “Oh, I’m all right.” But, I get the feeling that a lot of people see this as rude.  I’m pretty sure that some of my colleagues have just stopped greeting me with these questions for that reason. Which is fine by me, I can’t come across as an asshole if I just wave.

The underlying problem, I think, other than my inability to engage in normal, social, human interactions, is that people are uncomfortable around people who are unhappy.  I think it’s partly a reflex, being around people who are stressed or in duress tend to have a way of bringing you down too.  I obviously don’t mean to bring anyone down, but I can understand why my response can be off-putting.  On the other hand, it has become my goal in life to convince the world that there’s nothing wrong with not having a particularly happy disposition.  Although I’m finding out that apparently honesty doesn’t count for much.

Once, just once, I wish that someone could respond to my “meh” and say, “I appreciate your honesty. I’m not doing particularly great either.”

As they say, misery loves company.


[1] From Season 7, the episode entitled “The Invitations.”

Finally, There’s a Benefit to Being a Woman

Skee_Ball

Ugh, did you know the iphone actually has a skeeball app?

I like playing skeeball.

Correction: I love playing skeeball.

This is a problem for at least two reasons. First, the arcade has gone by the wayside and it’s hard to find skeeball in a convenient location. Second, generally skeeball is found in places marketed toward children.

I don’t have children.

Nevertheless, I generally don’t have a problem going to family-oriented “fun” centers even though I don’t have children, and I realized something important the other day. It’s not creepy when I go to one of these places, because I’m a woman.  When a lone adult man is playing skeeball around a bunch of kids, it could possibly be seen as suspicious behavior. When a woman is playing skeeball around a bunch of kids, you assume that she is with one of the children – as a mother, an aunt, or a babysitter. I actually have a reason to be glad that I finally look old enough that I could potentially have children.

Continue reading