In keeping with my annual tradition, I’m sharing with the internet what is on my mind as one Gregorian year closes and another begins.
In some ways, my life changed drastically this year, but in other ways, it did not. It’s those lack of changes that trouble me as 2013 closes. Moving, changing my physical location, my job, did not change me much, because these things are external to me. I’ve always been very good at keeping to myself when the world changes around me.
But, I ask, who am I?
I have spent a lot of time resenting my body — that I I have one at all; that I have to take care of it, cut my hair, exercise, eat; that other people judge me for it, my perceived gender, my size, my clothes; that I don’t like the way it looks; that the older I get the more it seems to hurt and ache.
I feel trapped inside it. I feel weakened by it. It is a limitation and a hindrance.
I prefer to think of myself as filled with gears and lights and wires instead of fragile organs and bones and tissue that will eventually wear down and die. As I start 2014, I am sick with a head cold that has knocked me flat, and I wonder if this is my body’s way of telling me something, telling me that it matters, telling me that resent it all I like, it’s still just as much a part of me as my sense of humor or my intellect or my friendships or the rest of existence reflected in me.